Stuck In Algorithmic Hell (We Really Know What You Want To See/Hear)


You listened to the Blippi song “Monster Trucks” 1,237 times, and Billie Eilish’s “What Was I Made For?” 248 times. We think you’ll like the playlist we curated exclusively for you, titled “Existential Crisis,” which includes songs like “Do You Realize??” by the Flaming Lips and “Shake My Sillies Out” by Raffi.


We noticed that you ordered paper towels, duct tape, and adult-size Crocs on the same day you ordered a six-pack of full-face superhero masks. First of all, thank you for not shopping locally for these items, which were also available within two blocks of your home, and instead funding Jeff Bezos’s impending nuptials, which will take place on twenty mega-yachts off the coast of Saint-Tropez. Based on your purchases, it appears that you may be planning some sort of heist or kidnapping. We recommend adding Clorox bleach, disposable medical gloves, and trash bags to your next order. Save five per cent by subscribing to receive monthly deliveries of these items.


You have watched every episode of “Bluey” more than fifty times and nothing else. We recommend more “Bluey.”


We know that you think of yourself as a multidimensional person with diverse cultural, political, and literary interests. LOL. All we at Meta have to do is show you literally any celebrity photo with the caption “Swipe to see so-and-so’s post-pregnancy bod!,” and, without fail, you will click on it.


We used your personal account in a recent brainstorming meeting as an example of why Netflix should start charging for screen time instead of monthly fees. We could make a killing off of customers like you. Do you actually just leave Netflix running during all your waking hours? Based on your watchlist from yesterday, when you streamed “Transformers: Robots in Disguise,” “Transformers: Rescue Bots,” “Transformers: Rescue Bots Academy,” “Transformers: Cyberverse,” “Transformers Prime,” “Transformers: War for Cybertron: Earthrise,” “Transformers: War for Cybertron: Kingdom,” “Transformers: War for Cybertron: Siege,” and all of “Suits,” we recommend “Transformers: Crushing Cubicle Life,” coming out this fall.


In the past five years, you’ve managed to read and review only one adult book, “My Year of Rest and Relaxation” by Ottessa Moshfegh, about which you wrote, “While I was only able to find time to read the first thirty pages, I’m feeling totally inspired.” You also gave the picture book “Colorful Foods” zero stars for “continuing the misinformation campaign that carrots only come in orange.” Based on your unhinged carrot comment, we think you’ll love the book “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.”

Apple Podcasts

Wow! Your habits have really changed. You used to binge-listen to mindless shows like the “GOOP” podcast; its parody podcast, “POOG”; that podcast about multilevel marketing schemes; and multiple shows about murder. But, lately, you’ve been listening to shows that make it seem like you’re actually trying to learn things. We’ll go out on a limb and guess you’re entering a life stage in which you realize that you don’t know how to answer simple questions, such as, How do magnets work? And, Why is the sky blue? (You already forgot the answer, didn’t you?) It seems you want to stop having to say “let me Google that” every few minutes. We recommend chilling out and not worrying so much. It’s O.K. not to know everything! After you’ve taken a beat, we recommend going back to shows about murder. It’s the only thing that will match how terrifying it is to exist in this world while also trying to raise children. ♦

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