Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S21 Ep 5: What Was Even the Point

So last week’s Bachelorette  left us on a cliffhanger.

Jenn’s ex boyfriend of three years ago, Matt, showed up in New Zealand because he can’t handle the idea of her marrying someone else.

He told her he was in love with her, which confuses her because he’s never told her that before.

For the record, Picasso loves you.

All of you. Every single one.

Jenn decides if he really feels that way, he can join the show.

It’s the Pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony Cocktail Hour, and Jenn sits the guys down on the drinking couches to tell them about Matt.

How bad has this show gotten that they’ve just resorted to adding random people mid season? What do they do when that gets boring?

“People are definitely in their emotions,” says one of the dudes.

I’m in my rum, but ok.

Matt shows up in a tuxedo, and when Jenn asks why he feels this way now, he says he feels like it’s do or die time because she’s leaving the show engaged—and we all know that ALWAYS works out.

So then Matt awkwardly approaches the guys and says Jenn feels confident that they can offer her something they can’t, and he’s leaving.

WHAT WAS EVEN THE POINT OF THIS.

Then it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony.

Thomas and Dylan go home.

I’m starting to think no one is watching this show because every week it gets harder and harder to find pictures for this recap. Anyway.

Jonathan, who previously said they are at the “feelings threshold” of the season, gets the next one-on-one.

Jonathan also puts on slip on shoes and then, not fucking lying, tight rolls his pants.

Apparently Jenn massively pissed off a producer because they’re doing a helicopter ride date, and she’s said, many times, how much she hates heights.

I would tell them I hate reading in bed with cats to see what happens.

They land on an island known for it’s vineyards where they play hide and seek among the grapes. It’s actually kind of cute. They also have a cartwheel competition. They have a goofy energy when they’re together that I like.

Then, of course, there’s a hot tub.

I think this one might actually have been there to begin with versus being dragged up a mountainside by a sobbing intern.

During the dinner they can’t eat, Jonathan says he was almost engaged once and then the relationship fell apart because she was abusing drugs and alcohol.

Jenn says she can relate to him more than he knows.

They talk about being gaslighted and manipulated, but you know who isn’t toxic?

PICASSO.

“She happens to be on the same ladder I’m on,” Jonathan says of Jenn.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? WHY ARE WE ON LADDERS?

So then it’s time for the group date and they’re in the country.

My husband Richard cheerfully pipes up: Sheeps!?

True story, last time we were at Sheep and Wool, he could not tell the difference between a sheep and a goat. Don’t ask me how.

Since then he has claimed that all wool-producing animals fall under the category of Sheeps, including angora rabbits and llamas.

He called it. A bunch of sheep run by, being herded by a dog.

“Are they going to live in the mansion with us?” one of the guys asks.

Sam M has the advantage because he grew up on a farm.

First up the guys have to herd the sheep and suddenly I really, really want to watch the movie Babe. I cried when Charles Dance sang to him.

I bet Picasso would politely herd sheep.

Anyway, it doesn’t go well. First of all, no one opens the gate first soooo….

Sheep 1 Dudes 0.

The dog is so embarrassed.

Then they have to muck out the  enclosure.

While the guys are shoveling shit, Devin steals Jenn for some one-on-one time.

For some reason, Sam M  has cut his plaid shirt into a crop top, which I’m sure is helpful for farm chores.

Then they have to clip dingleberries off the sheep. I have a long haired cat so like, been there, done that.

Devin, who did the least this episode, wins the date and gets some alone time with Jenn. The other guys are salty.

Austin, who is rocking quite the mullet, is upset that he’s never gotten a date rose or a one-on-one.

Austin does a “can I steal her for a moment,” and tells her that he feels like he’s behind the other guys and he doesn’t thing he can get there with her. He tells her that he’s leaving.

Jenn hugs him and walks him out.

She worries she wasn’t “enough” for Austin, and asks “Am I just doing a bad job?”

The sheep were smarter than these guys, Jenn. You’re fine.

Also we’re down to what? 7 or 8 guys? Is this season going to be 8 episodes long?

Honestly, I’m fine with that.

The remaining guys reassure her.

In the end she elects not to give out a date rose.

Last up is her one-on-one with Grant. They go for a horseback ride–HORSE BUDGET!

They try to have a picnic, but it rains on them. They make out and there is so much tongue, you guys. SO MUCH.

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Grant tells her that his dad was an addict for 30 years and just recently got sober. Jenn empathizes with him–she’s worked in the ER and has seen lots of people come in with issues related to addiction.

Jenn also tells him that her ex boyfriend told her “racism isn’t real” and that she needed to be more open minded.

Open minded about racists? What the gaslighting fuck is that?

Let’s feed that guy to the sheep.

Grant gets the date rose.

Then it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Grant tells the guys he’s falling in love with Jenn.

Then Jenn comes out and says we’re going STRAIGHT TO ROSE.

So then Grant and Jonathan go outside and have a mutual cry about how much they like Jenn and it’s kind of wholesome.

After much suspenseful music, Dylan goes home.

Are you watching?