Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S28 E1: Even Canada Says No…Thanks

My husband, Rich, wanted me to wait until he got home to recap this episode because said the first episode is always the best one. That’s like picking the best turd out of the litterbox.

In case this is your first time reading one of my recaps I have a theory regarding The Bachelor.

No one wants to win this show.

You want to stay on it long enough to enjoy the free booze, free travel, and female friendships and then go home. That’s why Big Brother boasts more successful marriages than this franchise.

We open with a shot of this season’s Bachelor, Joey, crying on a beach while a limo drives away.

Well, that was a quick season.

Oh no. Then we flash back two months.

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A giraffe chews while the word disappointing is displayed in front of it

It’s time for the parade of limos. Jesse tells us there are more women on this season than any other. Oh joy.

Maria is from Canada and she waves a little Canadian flag, which is blurred out. Canada, sweet, polite Canada refuses to be part of this shit.

Then we find out sisters Allison and Lauren are both on the show. They have decided to not tell anyone, including Joey, that they’re related. I support Team Stir Shit Up.

A side by side shot of Lauren and Allison

For unknown reasons, Kyra, a paralegal, screams in his face.

I also support this.

Then Lea arrives. She was selected to be on the show in the last episode of last season’s Bachelorette. She was given a card she couldn’t open until tonight. She tells Joey to find her inside and they’ll open the card together.

Lea stands in front of Joey holding her card.

Then it’s time for the cocktail portion and Joey kisses some people and it’s so boring.

The first person he kissed, Jess, interrupts another woman, Taylor, with him which is considered bad manners since she already had her time. Then we get our first “I’m not here to make friends.” Everyone take a shot!

Later Taylor asks to talk to Jess. There’s a lot tense music and not a lot of conversation, but I assume they’ll be enemies and we’ll have to revisit this shit.

Then Allison and Lauren tell people they’re sisters which is fine as long as they don’t tell Joey.

Later Lauren is talking to Joey and Allison pulls the “can I steal him for a second” thing.

Thanksgiving is gonna be real weird, y’all.

They do tell Joey they’re sisters then.

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Lisa Kudrow says well this is boring.

Lea opens her card and it says she can steal a one-on-one date from someone else. She starts crying because the other women are amazing and she doesn’t want to do that to them. This supports my theory that the women are here more for each other than this tool bag.

She tells the other women what the card says. She throws the card in the fire.

LOLOLOLOL to the producer who thought of this to create drama and has been rebuffed.

The first impression road goes to Lea.

Joey looks into the fireplace.
Joey takes a minute to contemplate his choices. Or pass gas.

Then it’s time for the Dreaded Rose Ceremony.

They maximize drama by picking one sister first and the other last.

He sends home Chandler, Kayla, Lanie, Sam H, Talyah, Sandra, Zoe, Samantha, Kyra, and Natalie.


All of the women stand for the rose ceremony.

That’s it. Are you watching this season?

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